Important, deep thoughts.

So, as I got into the shower a little while ago, something occurred to me. I realized I haven't loved and explored my body in any meaningful, serious way before. (Cranking out an orgasm does not count for this, for the peanut gallery.) So, I made the decision to actually feel my body while I was in the shower with my lovely cherry blossom body wash. After I washed my face, I soaped up my bare hands and began running them over my body, both cleaning and feeling my own touch simultaneously. I didn't get to take as long as I'd like, because a) the hot water is finite and b) I had things like stubble on my body that needed de-stubble-fying. (Yes, that's a word now. Don't judge me! :P) But, I did it. I tried to touch most of my body in a slow way, actually paying attention to myself. I probably still didn't do it justice, because of the previously mentioned issues, but I did it. I even sat down and played with my feet and toes a little, just like a baby would.

As I did this, something coalesced in my head. Everyone talks about either loving or hating their bodies. I've sometimes mentioned off-handedly that I'm generally apathetic towards mine. And what occurred to me tonight is that is a non-satisfactory status quo. Heck, it's even a slightly negative apathy, because while I don't feel much of anything for myself, what little I feel is annoyance and even a mild disdain for the things I see as wrong with myself. And I want this to change.

In a week and a half, I leave for Dragon Con, and, in between work, housework, packing and trying to be social, I *NEED* to start taking time to appreciate myself. Find things I love about my body. Be able to look at my body and see that it is attractive. (Every time someone tells me that, it kind of glosses over in my head. Like someone is having a normal conversation, then mentions something about a mythical creature like Loch Ness or Sasquatch, then moves on to other topics.)

I need to learn to love and accept my body as it is. So I need to come up with a plan to do this, and I will need the support of ALL my loved ones, including friends, family and partners. Don't let me slack off on making the plan. Check in on me. Fuss at me. Mother hen me. Gripe at me until I figure out how to start. Then, keep on me. Don't let a day go by without me doing something, abstract or concrete, to teach me to love me. I know it's a lot to ask for your time and energy, but I realized I genuinely need to do this, and without each of you, I will fail. You guys are my support and strength to go on. My own strength is the start, but I can only go so far on my own.

Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope. (Anyone who knows me should have known that was coming by this point.)

I will be talking to my Owner, my family and my therapist about this at different points. (Hell, my Owner and family follow this, so you guys should already know. Haha.) I will also be asking the Lodge that I've been circling with to pray for and with me to the Gods and the Universe for support and guidance. (All prayers and thoughts are welcome, fyi.) Therapy is on Wednesday morning.


Here's to a new beginning. I've heard that a full moon is a good time to start an endeavor, and technically that's tomorrow. So cross your fingers