Important, deep thoughts.

So, as I got into the shower a little while ago, something occurred to me. I realized I haven't loved and explored my body in any meaningful, serious way before. (Cranking out an orgasm does not count for this, for the peanut gallery.) So, I made the decision to actually feel my body while I was in the shower with my lovely cherry blossom body wash. After I washed my face, I soaped up my bare hands and began running them over my body, both cleaning and feeling my own touch simultaneously. I didn't get to take as long as I'd like, because a) the hot water is finite and b) I had things like stubble on my body that needed de-stubble-fying. (Yes, that's a word now. Don't judge me! :P) But, I did it. I tried to touch most of my body in a slow way, actually paying attention to myself. I probably still didn't do it justice, because of the previously mentioned issues, but I did it. I even sat down and played with my feet and toes a little, just like a baby would.

As I did this, something coalesced in my head. Everyone talks about either loving or hating their bodies. I've sometimes mentioned off-handedly that I'm generally apathetic towards mine. And what occurred to me tonight is that is a non-satisfactory status quo. Heck, it's even a slightly negative apathy, because while I don't feel much of anything for myself, what little I feel is annoyance and even a mild disdain for the things I see as wrong with myself. And I want this to change.

In a week and a half, I leave for Dragon Con, and, in between work, housework, packing and trying to be social, I *NEED* to start taking time to appreciate myself. Find things I love about my body. Be able to look at my body and see that it is attractive. (Every time someone tells me that, it kind of glosses over in my head. Like someone is having a normal conversation, then mentions something about a mythical creature like Loch Ness or Sasquatch, then moves on to other topics.)

I need to learn to love and accept my body as it is. So I need to come up with a plan to do this, and I will need the support of ALL my loved ones, including friends, family and partners. Don't let me slack off on making the plan. Check in on me. Fuss at me. Mother hen me. Gripe at me until I figure out how to start. Then, keep on me. Don't let a day go by without me doing something, abstract or concrete, to teach me to love me. I know it's a lot to ask for your time and energy, but I realized I genuinely need to do this, and without each of you, I will fail. You guys are my support and strength to go on. My own strength is the start, but I can only go so far on my own.

Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope. (Anyone who knows me should have known that was coming by this point.)

I will be talking to my Owner, my family and my therapist about this at different points. (Hell, my Owner and family follow this, so you guys should already know. Haha.) I will also be asking the Lodge that I've been circling with to pray for and with me to the Gods and the Universe for support and guidance. (All prayers and thoughts are welcome, fyi.) Therapy is on Wednesday morning.


Here's to a new beginning. I've heard that a full moon is a good time to start an endeavor, and technically that's tomorrow. So cross your fingers

Pagan-y thoughts

So, I've been getting caught up on a personal blog of someone very special to me, and one thing she did was meditate on the interactions of the classical elements (earth, air, fire, water), and in things in nature/creation where they meet. The idea has intrigued me for a while now, so I figured I'd ponder it and post it here. Some of these could work for their counterpart, as well.

Earth:

Earth of Earth: Dirt. It is where things grow from, and is where things that live return.
Air of Earth: Dust Storm. Air, moving fast, and picking up dirt. A sand storm could also work.
Water of Earth: Mud. Water and earth embracing, to varying degrees.
Fire of Earth: Volcanoes. Deep places of the earth, where fire abounds.

Air:

Earth of Air: Caves. Places in the earth where there is air.
Air of Air: Wind. Air that moves.
Water of Air: Steam/Humidity/Clouds. Tiny particles of water, suspended in the air.
Fire of Air: (this one was tough) Poison gas, representing unchecked fire. It is only doing what it was made to do, but used irresponsibly, it can cause a lot of damage.

Author's note - Poison gas was a dark choice to go with, but it does occur naturally. I could also go with sunlight, but my intuition and intellect felt that the gas felt more right for that.

(I will add in here, that my friend said "Auroras" for fire of air, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt it would fit as "Spirit of Air," being very etherial and mystical

Water:

Earth of Water: Seawater. Salt is a typical symbol of earth.
Air of Water: Foam. (Sea foam, bubbles in hydrogen peroxide, bubbles you make with a wand)
Water of Water: Typhoon. Water, being water-y and emotional, and making it's way around any obstacle.
Fire of Water: Acid. A liquid that burns through almost anything.

Fire:

Earth of Fire: Magma. I could also see coal as a viable answer.
Air of Fire: Natural gas.
Water of Fire: Napalm.
Fire of Fire: a Laser.

We interrupt this broadcast of 30 Days of Drabble...

to bring you an update over the past year.

First of all, in case you haven't heard, today the Minnesota Senate approved same-sex marriage! And our governor as flat-out said he's signing it as soon as it hits his desk! So my gay, lesbian and bisexual friends are now able to have their partners be a part of their lives in the way they deserve to! (The reason I chose not to include trans people in that is because most of the folks I know still fall somewhere in the M-F binary, and so they would be considered GLB. Being trans is not a sexuality, so I'm not sure why it's still grouped as if it is. Ah, well.)

And now, to update the historical record.

Last you guys heard, I was taking care of Foxy over the summer. That ended rather well, with her keeping busy with work that helped her perform better in school this year. She got an award for getting a  high score (I believe it was 95%) on her math and reading work. CONvergence and Dragon Con were wonderful. I got to see some wonderful authors at both (Lyda Morehouse is a local author who played with Foxy at CON, and Sherrilyn Kenyon and Alethea Kontis are regulars at Dragon Con, and they, too, got to meet the awesome force of nature that is Foxy.)

After D*Con, I got a paying job as a personal care assistant (PCA). For those who don't know, it's basically a non-medical home health aide position. I was taking care of one of my friends who is disabled, and the more time I spent doing it, the better I felt about the job as a whole. However, my friend got into a bad situation near Halloween and had to move outside of a reasonable drive for me (she moved to a place 30-45 minutes away, one way), and I was, for all intents and purposes, unemployed. I wasn't fired, but without a client, I wasn't getting any hours, so I wasn't making any money. And the service I was working under didn't seem very organized. They didn't keep a list of clients handy, getting a call back on things was hard. Heck, even one of my paychecks bounced.

Also, while all this is going on, I'm seeing a therapist. One of my dear friends, Jaya, helped me find a local place that worked on a very good sliding scale, to the point where, while I was out of work, they just wrote off my sessions. About this time, I was kind of falling into an emotional rut. I wouldn't say I wallowed, but I definitely felt helpless at that point. Then my therapist kind of kicked me in the rear, and I ended up finding a job with another PCA company within 2 weeks. (Usually I don't need a serious butt kicking to get the ball rolling. A light tap on the shoulder tends to suffice.) And with that, I was gainfully employed again.

With the new influx of money, I started trying to get out and socialize, instead of basically being a hermit. One of the very few events I'd been going to was KQT, Kinky Queers and Trans in Minnesota. The mod is this really sweet guy named Caffeina, and they have a wonderful, adorable partner named Shonda. I finally got up the courage to ask them out to hang out one week, and, much to my serious absolute surprise, they agreed. We met up at the Mall of America, where we chatted and were silly, and I decided to do something brave and a) admit I had an interest/crush in both of them, and b) kissed each of them. They seemed to enjoy it, and the rest of the evening went rather splendidly, including the three of us singing in the food court. (Which, for those of you who are poly, the word "monogamy" fits in really well as a replacement for the main words in "Mahna Mahna".) So things with the two of them are started, and suddenly I'm actually practicing polyamory. Wow. What a mind trip. I've been poly in theory for a while.

So that's all going on, and my family (Owner, J, Foxy) are making plans to get 2 cats. Why is this noteworthy? Because that brings the biocat total up to 5. So now we have Echo, River and Kaylee (the sisters) and now Moon and Star (the brothers).

And now, about 2ish weeks ago, I took on a second client at work. Who knows, I may get up to a wage where I can make ends meet on my own?

And now that's the 11:55pm Central Time update. Hopefully I will be posting more drabbles soon, but I wanted to update any lingering readers on what's been going on.

30 Days of Drabble - Day 7

Day 7 - Thanks

(No, it's not strictly a drabble. But it IS 100 words, and I do want to a) tell you guys how I feel, and b) actually write. I have no idea how my friend Jukebox makes it seem so easy.)

This goes out to those of you who still follow my blog even when I don't write for a year. To those who love and accept me though I can be neurotic, needy and a pain in the ass. You accept my eccentricities, my foibles and problems. I may get quiet, I may whine, But you still keep me in your lives. You guys keep me going. You warm my heart. Without you, I'd be a madwoman screaming into the ether. Hell, even with you, I'm that at times. So, my friends, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.