My brain is not a happy place

Ever have a day where you just feel like nothing's worth it? Where even getting out of bed is the biggest chore and hardship you could imagine? That all you want to do is curl up and sob and hope that you simply disappear, even when you know the tears just won't flow? That's most days to me. Every day, just getting out of bed is a major victory for me. I do what I need to do, because it needs doing, but I am not sure why I do it. I feel broken. The days where the sun is genuinely shining for me are very few and far between. (And not because I work overnights.)

And then there's being emotionally fragile. I have no bloody clue why I am, and wish I knew how to stop. I feel stupid when little things that I know shouldn't hurt do. It means I can't be there for my loved ones in the way I want to. It feels like I'm a selfish little git to feel this way, and I have no bloody idea how not to be, which kills me. I want to be strong and rational and to not need constant pampering and reassurance as if I'm some stupid spoiled shit. Instead I can't help but feel cut at a glance (or lack of one) at the right moment. I feel left out if I'm not explicitly included in things.

The worst part is that I *DO* know better. I know that I'm surrounded by people who love me and want me there. I just don't know how to feel it. And that makes me feel really like a horrible, stupid person.

DeepMind DarkWood (aka Camp Mindfuck) and subsequent awesomeness

If you follow me on Twitter, Facebook, or Fetlife, you know that about 2 weeks ago I was crowing about going camping. Those of you who know me in person know I actually find nature rather distasteful, so you might have been wondering what was going on. Now's a good time to talk about it. I've had a week to process, and the memories haven't faded too much yet.

Some friends out on the east coast planned out another hypno-get-together that they wanted my Lady at, and I went to tend to Her and to see to them.

First of all, thank you to Reth, Lyinar and hypn0squirrel for helping to get me out there! *big hugs to you all*

The weekend began with a bit of a rush, because I misread when my flight time was. I thought it was at 7:30, only to get a text a few hours before saying it was at 7:10. Thankfully, I'd already planned on catching a cab out to the airport, which really saved my bacon. I got there and through security (barely, since I don't fly much, and Orbitz never made a stink about having my name as Sammi on the ticket, when it's listed on my ID as Samuel) and literally was the 2nd to last person to board the plane before departure. I ran basically halfway across the terminal to find my gate. I was really out of breath at that point. But I made the flight and got crammed in my seat on time. 2 and a half hours later, I landed at the Hartford/Windsor Locks Airport.

The last time I was there had been for NEEHU. I still remember enjoying the awesome light displays and reminding people that they are loved during tearful goodbyes. I remember the sense of family I have with all of those who were there with us. I sat there, enjoying those memories and some yummy McD's. Then, I bummed around for a while, getting my iPod out and surfing the net, since I arrived there at 10:45, and ZanyMo, my ride, wouldn't get there till 2:30. Finally, I crossed the security line and went down to the front to wait for ZanyMo. I read a bit from my new book on Reiki, I read a lot from my ebook stash of Sherrilyn Kenyon, and mostly tried to stay awake. She eventually got there, braving traffic and the elements to pick me up from the airport, and I promptly fell asleep in her car. She says my snoring was more like purring, but I'm just glad I didn't drive her to distraction. Sleeping kitty can't defend against someone opening the door and pushing her out of a moving vehicle. ^_^

I awoke at the campground, alone in the car. She thought it would be cool to let me sleep, and I can't disagree. (I *AM* Sleepykitten, after all!) I meandered around the main cabin (where most of the weekend would happen), getting to see and glomp and meet people, eventually putting my stuff in the bed I'd claimed for the weekend. Oh, and I also had to sign a waiver that I wouldn't sue them in the event of "contortions of mind or body." hehe

Now, most of the weekend was colored in a grey haze of sleep deprivation, because the only sleep I'd had so far at this point since waking up for work was the hour in ZanyMo's car. After the introduction, we milled around while the kitchen volunteers cooked supper, which was followed by an interesting stage show/presentation on the history of hypnosis. After that, I went upstairs and crashed hard.

The next day was the meat of the weekend. First off, when I woke up, there was some long-awaited snuggling with MistressJaya. And OMG does she give great cuddles! There were some exercises to help us shift perspective and focus on trusting each other, done by Mr. Dream. A lot of it was camp-type exercises, like writing 4 secrets on a piece of cardboard around our necks. (There were a lot of brats there, myself included, who wrote 5 instead of 4.) We also did whiffle ball bat relays, running up to a bat, and spinning 10 times, then running back. Every one of us toppled over pretty quickly, laughing the whole way. I even did a trust fall, trusting a bunch of (essentially) strangers to not let me crack my skull on the cement. (wouldn't be the first time that happened lol) Part of me, over a week later, is still going "OH MY GOD I LET MYSELF FALL! OH MY GOD THEY CAUGHT ME!"  I did prod at two people who seemed apprehensive, but it seems like they understood I wasn't trying to be mean, I just get into the spirit of the moment.

Then, after some meandering and food, LeeAllure did a presentation on using hypnosis to improve sexual relationships. Since this presentation wasn't nearly as active as Mr. Dream's, though, I was snoozing a bit during it. What I do remember was pretty insightful, though. She demonstrated it with two people, during which I took my leave, because that was about when Lady Ru'etha was expected to arrive and I wanted to tend to Her if She needed. I got Her stuff put upstairs and put Her to sleep, because She was exhausted, having also flown in right from dayjob (which just happens to be overnight).

There was more milling around and supper, followed by my Lady's presentation on using hypnosis for transformation. She was originally talking about using me as a demo, but as things took shape in Her mind, She decided to go with a direction that I have no experience with: connecting with a power animal. So, between that and my own exhaustion, I asked permission to bow out, since She would instruct me on it later, if I were to ask. (I will, at some point. That sounds really cool!) She sent me out to keep company at the bonfire for awhile, since there had been only one person at a time watching over it, and that can get pretty lonely.

Doing so allowed me to finally get to meet LeeAllure and her sub, LeesMandy. OMG are they awesome fun people. In addition to hypnosis, they enjoy tickling, and Lee very generously allowed me to join in the tickling of Mandy. Hearing her squeal and giggle and their energy helped to keep me awake, and I enjoyed being around them. Eventually others joined us, including ZanyMo, who Mandy kept calling for help from. Mo, though, seemed to enjoy making Mandy squirm and would elicit long, silly promises for her help. My Lady eventually came out to the bonfire and gave me permission to go to sleep. I passed around a number of "good-nights" and promptly hit the bed and was asleep within a minute.

The last official day of the weekend was chaos, of course. My ride to the hotel I'd be staying at changed a couple times, cleanup took a while because we were all doing the "end-of-an-event" thing ("I don't wanna go!!! I'll miss you guys! This weekend was amazing!") My Lady even went out of Her way to make sure my trip home was extra comfortable. Gods, do I love Her! (The details on that are mum. Sometimes even mundane stuff can be hush-hush.) Eventually, everything was sorted out, and MistressJaya ended up taking me to my hotel. Neither of us had slept well the night before, so I asked her if she'd like to rest up before heading home, and she happily agreed.

After we both showered and she napped, we went out to see a local friend of mine, who I hadn't seen in almost a year. We ate at Dennys and caught up on things and told awesome stories. Laughs were had, delicious foods were consumed, and many hugs were given. After they dropped us off at the hotel, Jaya mentioned she wasn't up for a 2+ hour drive home, and I happily took another night of snuggles with her. Beautiful morning was beautiful, we enjoyed the continental breakfast, then she dropped me off at the airport and I headed home.

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That was the weekend. Thanks to a rare irregularity in my schedule, I had Thursday night off work, so I did something after work that morning that I've been waiting for a long time for and had been asking questions and getting things together for 2 months for. I went down to the county courthouse and filed for my legal name change. I also filed what's called In Forma Pauperis, which basically says that my income is so low that I am asking to be exempted from court costs. Judge Thor(!) saw me that afternoon on it and accepted my request. So now, I sit and wait to hear back from them on the next step. I'll get assigned a judge, they tell me who it is in a letter and then I will set a date, bring 2 witnesses and BAM! It'll be done.

For those of you new-ish to my blog, Twitter and/or Facebook, the name I've officially chosen is

Samantha Alexis Katra (last name). If you want to know my new last name, you'll just have to wait till it's officially on FB.

The other awesomeness is that electrolysis is going swimmingly.



That's the long and short of it for now, loves. You guys have a wonderful week and a happy Halloween! <3

Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Notes:
1. My Lady gave us 10 weeks of post topics for Her group blog. This is week six, and I thought it would be appropriate to repost it here.
2. Obviously, I will be using nicknames when possible. ^_^
3. Cutting it down to a mere 5 people would leave out too many. So I will group them.
4. This is by no means a comprehensive list.


1. My kink family. Lady Ru'etha, Jukebox, CopperHeron, Twinklie and Lyinar. (I would feel like I was cheating if I didn't group them together, lol.) Extended family counts too, such as Sleepy_Head, Retheldirood, Katie LBT. I don't know Merryweather well enough yet, but my Lady trusts and loves him, and that's good enough for me.

2. The person who's been in my life the longest, Nana. (pronounced Nay-Nay). She in particular has kept me real and laughing at life, even when things were darkest. I don't talk to her nearly as often as I would like to, but the moment one of us calls the other, it's like no time has passed whatsoever and we pick up right where we left off.

3. My older sister. When she and I first met, it was an almost instant connection. Then I moved in with her for a while to recuperate after a particularly nasty time, and we became friends. She's overcome a lot and found happiness, and has one of the most beautiful families I know.

4. Jaya, Lilikka, Raven, and Jtgqos - each of them has touched my life in little things they may not even realize, and they mean the world to me

5. Pensacola was a damn good time for me. I made a lot of friends there who hold a very special place in my heart. Stephie, Chaaaarrrrrrliiieeeeee, Anton, Rodney, Lindsey, etc.. Long list is long. These guys rallied around me during a *VERY* scary time for me and made it so amazing, I can never thank them enough.

Thoughts on Polyamory

I'm going to come right out and admit it. I'm polyamorous, and I'm part of a poly family. I have an amazing girlfriend, a girl I'm interested in, and a cuddle buddy/fwb or two. (There's more to two of those relationships, but they are out of the range of today's topic.)

Merriam-Webster defines polyamory as "the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time," which, to me sounds so dry and limiting. It neglects all the nuances and ignores the everyday beauty and common wonder that is involved. When I think of poly, I think of a community of adults taking care of each other in ways that monogamous couples just aren't capable of. I think of people defining relationships how they see fit and to meet their needs. I see parents who have a support network for their children when they are sick, since the child is seen by all as someone to treasure. I have experienced it as a family who tells me I'm loved and wanted in my darker moments, and the outpouring and numbers have overwhelmed me with happy tears. 

Another thing that M-W misses is that it's not always about romantic relations. Again, it's about defining your own relationships on your own terms. Another thing I associate with polyamory is that your family may include people you aren't romantically involved with. There are a few guys in my family that are just as dear to me as the women. (In case anyone came in late and missed the memo, I'm pretty happily lesbian. I'm open to the idea of men as lovers, if I were comfortable with them and there was a mutual interest. If it ever happens, I'll re-evaluate and consider the bisexual label. But, this is not the scope of today's post.) There are also 3 children. One is a teenager and two are very young. On some levels, I see them as my own children, even though I'll never have any biological children of my own. I do what I can for them, and I'm happily a crazy aunt-type.

Usually, when I talk to someone about it, more often than not, the reaction is something along the lines of "that's not for me," or "I could never share someone." I try to respect people's opinions and maintain the assumption that they have honestly thought about it and weighed the pros and cons, but it's hard to not feel like it's a knee-jerk reaction. Responses like that flow so easily from the lips of others, and part of me weeps a little each time. Admittedly, part of it is a bit selfish. Hearing that means that I know that pursuing anything serious would mean having to choose between them and my family, and my family will win out every time. As I've settled into the idea over a few years, I've come to find certain popular cultural ideas about love to be restrictive. The idea that loving more than one person means you love them all less? Bullhonkey. There's a saying that springs to mind: “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow”. (It's attributed as a general Swedish quote on http://thinkexist.com. Love is similar to joy in my experience; the more it's shared, the more it grows.

Yes, I do talk about it. I don't often talk about *MY* family specifically, because people as a species and a society are stupid and base and I've seen poly friends of mine become victims of the discrimination that comes from prejudice against those who are "different" - as if we are a bunch of cookie-cutter, carbon copy clones. I'm proud of those I love, both lovers and family.

D, J, C, S, M - I love you all dearly. I may not say it very often to all of you, but you guys mean the world to me, and I would not trade you for anything.

an awesome dream!

For those who don't follow me on Twitter, I called in sick to work tonight. I caught a nasty bug that would make me less than useless at work on top of feeling horrid. So, instead of working, I took a nap for a little while. I usually listen to one of Lady Ru'etha's files when I sleep (it started off being only Voice, but lately from time to time, I've alternated in By Her Command: Peaceful Sleep), and my nap was no different. However, this is one of the rare times that I can remember my dream and that She was in, and it was so awesome it *NEEDED* to be recorded.


I had a Lantern ring. Violet, I think, which is appropriate since purple is Her color. (1) However, I didn't actually report to their leader, but to Lady R. *grins* There were 3 of us and we were Her personal guard/army/Angels (like Charlie's, but cooler and with power rings). At first, we were in the middle of a fight between the different color rings, which was cool, but then She called us to Her and we were discussing a series of upcoming bombings that came to Her attention and how we should go about stopping it. In the middle of this, She kept trancing us and reminding us how much She loves us and... other things. *chuckles* Right before I flew off to investigate the one I'd been assigned, however, I looked up as if I was hearing something and my alarm went off to wake up from my nap. *sigh* I'm glad I finally get to remember one of the good dreams, for a change, even if it was the epitome of awesome and was cut short.



(1) For those who don't follow Green Lantern comics, or haven't heard of the stories of the past few years at all, 7 new colored rings showed up, bringing the total to 9: Green (Willpower), Yellow (Fear), Blue (Hope), Violet (Love), Indigo (Compassion), Orange (Avarice), Red (Rage), Black (Death) and White (Life)

Life's Cheat Codes

blatantly ripped from http://www.pcolaredhead.com/2010/10/lifes-little-cheat-codes.html#more

Sometimes I think it would be nice if life had cheat codes, as I'm told many video games do.  Sure, it's fun to experience a challenge and do things the hard way, but sometimes you just need a little help.  I have compiled, in this post, some of life's little secret cheats.  Some of these are my own, and others I have flagrantly plagiarized from other websites.  Enjoy!

Riddles in the Dark

This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.
 - J. R. R. Tolkein, The Hobbit

Anyone who read The Hobbit or read the cartoon version of it (which I enjoyed very much) might remember the answer to this riddle presented to Bilbo by Gollum. Time is, of course, the answer.

Time is a slippery thing, particularly to me. I have an absolutely horrid sense of timing, so I have to keep a watch or something with a clock on it with me at all times or else I will take absolutely forever at what I'm doing. My various roommates over the years have noticed this, particularly when I'm in the shower. I seriously try to not take longer than 10 minutes, and I will think I succeeded. But then I look at the nearest clock and it's been between 20 and 30. It doesn't feel anywhere near like that. I have no idea what to do about it except maybe find a way to put a clock in the shower. Not ideal, especially because the shower I'm using right now is pretty small, and I am trying to not bang the ceiling and wake up everyone when I shower.

Guess who's back?

Ok.. So my energy's still kind of down, but I am not going to leave you guys hanging.

At work over the past month, two people got let go, so there have been more hours to go around. This means that I've gone from 24 to 38 hours/week. Not a bad time, I'd say, even if I don't like the job one bit. I'm getting along well enough, but have put out a few applications and keeping my fingers crossed.

Things at home have been rather chill. One of my roommates had a visitor for the past month, which meant laying low on the d/s stuff. No problems there, I'm flexible. Then Lady Ru'etha got sick, and I tried to help nurse her back to health with back scratches (I'm one of a *VERY* small number who can do it just like she likes it) and foot rubs, and trying to be there for her emotionally. The roomie's visitor left today, and now things will re-settle. We'll see how things go there.

Hormones are going well. I'm on estrogen (8mg/day, 4mg in the morning and 4 at night), testosterone blocker (25 mg at night) and progesterone (2.5 mg at night). And at this point, my breasts are actually visibly growing. It's pretty exciting for me. Pics in my pic blog shortly.

Also, I did an experiment today. I've dyed my hair a few times, but I've never tried henna dye before. I've been eyeing the Caca Rouge from Lush for a few months, and bought it about 2 weeks ago. It is their red dye. Since henna is supposed to last much longer and fade slower than chemical dyes, I figured it might work. I cut a small lock from the back of my hair and did a strand test on Wednesday, to see how it would look. One thing that the instructions and the Lush forum members say is to not judge results until a few hours after you wash it out. So, I waited. About 4 hours after I removed the lock of hair from the dye, I looked at it in the sun and saw very little change. According to the forums, certain herbs and spices can affect henna dyes in certain ways, and paprika apparently boosts redness, so I gave it a try. After results are in my photo blog. I didn't take a "before" pic, cause my hair's basically the same color it has been in a bunch of pictures.

That's about it for now, loves. I'm gonna get my butt back in gear and try to write every week, if not more.

Hey guys, I'm still alive!

Updates fell to the wayside as my mental and physical energy have just about hit rock bottom. I have no bloody clue what's wrong with me, and I still have no money or insurance to look into it. But here's a brief synopsis of the past few weeks.

I got my computer back up and running. My friend Anna is the person who actually installed the Linux build I use on my computer, and between her and me and a *LOT* of shuffling my computer parts around, we got it fixed. (And by shuffling around, I mean I was taking my computer upstairs every day for a week for 3-4 hours to work, since it had no idea what wireless was. Then I'd move it back downstairs and go to bed. Rinse, lather, repeat.)

Next, I went and looked at a local Aveda college. (For those of you who don't know, Aveda is a spa franchise/product line. They have spas everywhere, and their products are sold at most places.) Their massage program lasts just under a year, and costs $10k. But they seem pretty invested in helping their graduates succeed, which is really cool.

Twin Cities Pride was ok. I only went for one day because it was an hour trip. I mostly went to see some people who said they might show. None of them did, but one of them had a valid reason. However, it was a fun time. I didn't get much swag, but I at least got my butt out of the house for a little while.

CONvergence was last weekend (the weekend of the 4th). I spent most of my time there, loving the costumes and being immersed in geek culture once again. It's quite a breath of fresh air, so to speak. I got some cool steampunk stuff, to work on a costume idea that I've been pondering for a while. I got to hear one of the creators of the 90s cartoon Gargoyles speak, and to hear the love in his voice for the show, even after all these years, was impressive. I also got to listen to one of the colorists for Green Lantern comics speak. This guy worked on the comic for something like 30 years, and he had a lot of insights that were awesome.

Job hunting has slowed to a crawl, due to said lack of mental and physical energy. I'm exhausted almost all the time, and my current job doesn't really help at all. One interesting thing, however, is that my manager's asked me to switch out to day shifts, on a slightly different schedule. So, starting the next schedule (which starts Thursday. Don't ask me why.) I'll be working Saturday, Sunday and Monday between 7am and 11pm, depending on the day and shift. Moving to day shift is hopefully going to help straighten my sleep schedule out, and maybe I'll have some energy. There's little bits of suck though. I won't get to have my own music playing, I'll lose the overnight premium and my days at work will be a lot busier. The flip side is that I may actually be able to go to social events in the community. Also, I'll be able to network and job hunt better.

Another 30 Days, Days 9-12

day 09 - something you’re proud of in the past few days
day 10 - songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11 - another picture of you and your friends
day 12 - how you found out about tumblr and why you made one

Another 30 Days, Days 5-8

day 05 - a picture of somewhere you’ve been to
day 06 - favorite super hero and why
day 07 - a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
day 08 - short term goals for this month and why

Brief update and a funny story

So, Monday morning, before I went to sleep, I noticed, once again, that my computer had been telling me there was an update. So I ran the normal updates. Then, I noticed that there was a new version of the OS. I'd been running Fedora 14 (a version of the Linux OS, for those of you who don't know), and it told me that 15 was ready. So, I went ahead and did it.

Aaaaaand it died. I have no bloody clue why. And, because I haven't had the chance to learn Linux or programming in any form like I want to, I have no idea how to fix it. I've been borrowing my Lady's netbook as a temporary stopgap measure. I've also joined and posted to a local Linux group and gotten a few offers to help. I'll keep you guys updated on how things are going.

Now, for the funny story that happened last night.

Lady Ru'etha *LOVES* natural disaster weather type shows. Tornado chasers, volcanic eruptions and the like really interest her. I don't get it, but I'm not complaining. I usually have some form of distraction. Anyway, there was an earthquake show on, and at one point, they mentioned something about a "doomsday clock." Now, I misheard this as a doomsday plot. Jukebox's response was that "at least it's not a doomsday cock," which my Lady replied that it could be marketed on Fetlife.

My brain sometimes does take things and run with them. In this case, it only took a few steps and came up with a brief marketing ad. "Tired of Ron Jeremy's penis? Is horse dong just getting blase? Then try the DOOMSDAY COCK! Guaranteed to satisfy!" And then I started cracking up. Lady R gave me a look and "suggested" that I blog about this, so here you guys go.

Another 30 Days - Days 1-4

day 01 - a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 02 - the meaning behind your twitter name
day 03 - nicknames you have; why do you have them
day 04 - something you crave for a lot

Another 30 Days

As the upheaval in my life continues, I haven't found the mental energy to write much. This sucks, because I write both as a mental exercise and as a tribute to Lady Ru'etha. I'm nowhere near as prolific as Jukebox, but I try to honor her in my own little ways.

So, in order to keep myself writing, I present another 30 Day meme. This one doesn't have a title, so I'm just calling it "Another 30 Days."

A Love Letter To My Girlfriend, Twinklie

Dearest Twinklie,
     We met almost 4 years ago, now. Nervous and cautious, I saw you and something special clicked, even if I wouldn't know it at the time. We were both exploring hypnosis, and meeting Lady Ru'etha in person for the first time. Poly was something I'd only just discovered, and had been burned horribly, both by in-person relationships and long-distance ones. We met in a hub of chaos and confusion. I have very few memories of that night, but your face is one of them. Since then, you and I have been through good times and bad.

     One thing that's stuck out to me is your strength. You have had betrayals that have hit you at your most sensitive spots and you keep going with a grace and beauty that I envy. You have seen dark times and kept going, pushing towards better things. Having you in my life is a blessing. You accept me for who I am, just as I accept and love every bit of you. You are absolutely gorgeous. Your laugh is adorable. The way you squeal over your child's accomplishments and adorable moments makes my heart sing. When you tell me about things you've done sexually, I can't help but smile for you. When I think about the things you and I have done, it makes me happy to know I've been able to share those experiences with you, and I look forward to sharing more of them.

     When you've shared your darker moments in your past and present, I've cried for you. I want to hold you and make everything better. I've wanted to take you away to a place where you have an unbreakable web of support there in person for you. I've wanted to wreak bloody vengeance on those who've made you cry and hurt.

     But this isn't about that. This is about how happy you make me and how I want you to stay a part of my life. This is me, Samantha Vise, telling you, my sweet beautiful Twinklie, that I love you. Thank you for the beautiful times we've shared. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.


I love you.

A Diamond in the Rough

I never claim to be perfect. In fact, even calling myself a diamond in any sense grates on me as about as imperfect a metaphor as I can think of. But lately, I've been thinking about myself and all the different sides of me, and a multi-faceted diamond is the only image that comes to mind. Rough, definitely. I'm not smooth, I'm not suave or subtle. Hell, I don't even think I'm attractive. People, including my Goddess, tell me differently. I'm inclined to admit that there must be something to the idea, and I would not contradict Her without good reason. But this is not about my shortcomings, real or perceived. I'm pondering the facets of the person who I see when I look in the mirror.

A brief apology

I'm sorry I've been so quiet lately. Getting used to working overnight at my job is taking a lot more out of me than I thought it would. I'm still here, and alive, I promise. I want to post, but, for example, I literally slept almost the entire day away today.

Hopefully things will stabilize soon, either by me getting used to the job or by getting a day shift job.

*hugs*
Kitten

NEEHU Recap

For those of you who weren't aware, NEEHU was this past weekend. It's the New England Erotic Hypnosis Unconference. Here's a somewhat short version of how the weekend went under the cut.

30 Days of Kink, Day 30

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

30 Days of Kink, Day 30

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30 Days of Kink, Day 29

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

30 Days of Truth, Day 29

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

30 Days of Kink, Day 28

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

30 Days of Truth, Day 28

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

30 Days of Kink, Day 27

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

30 Days of Truth, Day 27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

30 Days of Kink, Day 26

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

30 Days of Truth, Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

30 Days of Truth, Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

30 Days of Kink, Day

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Another brief update on my life.

I just got a new job. I'm working overnight, part time at a local gas station. It's taking a lot out of me physically right now. My body's out of practice standing for long periods again. It's also near a few bars, which is never a good thing for me. Drunks remind me too much of my parents. Then, after the news about the trans woman who got beaten in the Maryland McDonand's, I'm feeling particularly skittish these days.

I'll get used to it eventually, not to mention after a few months settling in, I'll start looking for work again.

Next weekend is NEEHU, when Twinklie and I will receive our full collars from Lady Ru'etha. I'm pretty excited about this. Hopefully there'll be some pics from everything. I'm going to be a hypnotized server at the opening party on Friday night, then Saturday night is the Collaring Ceremony.

The other thing on my mind is that there's not much in the way of sexy times around me usually, and I'm feeling it again. It's not anyone's fault, it's just how things are. The usual things that people say run through my head:

My happiness shouldn't depend on having someone.

I should love myself first.

Stop looking for someone and I'll find someone.

Good advice. Too bad I feel like they are unreachable goals. I crave being touched on a physical level, and emotionally I need to be held and told I'm loved. I need little things, like flowers or private time. Telling me to stop looking for a romantic relationship is like telling a sunflower to stop pointing at the sun. I also keep hearing**/reading the rants against the "nice guys" who are really just passive aggressive pussies who expect rewards for not being assholes, and end up acting like assholes when they don't get either the girl or a reward. I totally get that not everyone is going to see me as a sexual ideal. Hell, *I* don't see me as any kind of sexual ideal or real fantasy. Nor do I hold anything against those who don't see me in a romantic light. Where my issue lies is that it quite often feels like no one sees me in a sexual/romantic light. There are people who say they do, and I do my best to believe them, but things just aren't set for them to act on those feelings. My feelings tend to be more prevalent and real to me than stuff I know intellectually. Some days, I do feel like Neo, waiting to wake up from a dream to the real world. And what I tend to feel is that I'm the little orphan kid, looking into a window on Christmas morning, watching the family in the warmth inside, enjoying each other and delicious food.

-------This is *NOT* directed at anyone. This is strictly what's going on in my head and heart.-------

(** Hearing in the sense of hearing it in my head **)

My head is a pretty screwed up place. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I *SO* can't wait to get some therapy and maybe some meds to help me balance out the almost constant mental shitstorm I live in.

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

30 Days of Truth, Days 23 and 24

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

30 Days of Kink, Day 22

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

30 Days of Truth, Day 22

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

30 Days of Truth, Day 21

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

30 Days of Kink, Day 21

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

30 Days of Kink, Day 20

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

30 Days of Truth, Day 20

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

30 Days of Kink, Day 19

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

30 Days of Truth, Day 19

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

30 Days of Kink, Day 18

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

30 Days of Truth, Day 18

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

30 Days of Kink - Days 16 and 17

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

30 Days of Truth - Days 16 and 17

Yesterday I was pretty occupied with stuff, so I didn't get to blog, so here's 2 posts crammed into one again. lol.

 

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Holy monkeys, a new, non-meme type post!

It's true.. I have not turned into a meme-answering automaton. I've just been kind of mentally scattered. Here's the latest in what's going on with me:

I finally got a job! I'll be working at a gas station that's part of the SuperAmerica chain. It's not amazing, and I'll be next to a bar or two, so I'll be dealing with drunk folks, cause at least 3 days of my schedule are guaranteed overnights. Anyone who wants to buy me an extendable police baton that i can hide on my person will be appreciated deeply.

I've been doing some studying into various flavors of earth-based religions, and tonight i'm going to a class on witchcraft that's being put on by one of the local covens.

Of the folks who've actually contacted me back on OK Cupid, i've actually talked with 4, texted back and forth with 3, made plans to meet 2 and met 1. Her, I got to meet once, then, theoretically, life hit her hard. I'm a little sceptical and paranoid, but that's just me. The one who I made plans to meet with yesterday seriously flaked on me twice. I had my first interview with the gas station in the morning, then she and I had made plans to meet up for lunch and to hang out. Admittedly, I got there 10 minutes late, but there was never a call, never a text from her asking where I was. Then, 10 minutes after I got there, I called and texted her. No answer. I go ahead and have my own lunch. I leave an hour and a half after she and I were supposed to meet and go home. An hour after that, she texts, tells me she had an interview for a new job, and tells me she's nervous about meeting me. Ok, I get that those two things wreak a little hell on someone's focus.

So, I suggest we try just hanging out in the Starbucks in the mall. She says she's still really nervous, but she'll try to make herself go. About 30ish minutes after I have settled in to start reading (so that if she were to show up she could check me out before I saw her), I get a text from her saying that she's too nervous, and maybe we can try again next week.

You know, I totally get being nervous about meeting new people. But you know what? Standing them up twice in the same day is fucking rude. That really pissed me off. I could have been in the quiet, warm(-ish) house, writing my blogs and talking with people who don't stand me up. She's already on strike 2. If she and I have coinciding days off next week, we'll see what happens. If she stands me up again, she's out. I may crave affection and attention, but I'm not a doormat.


Lastly, NEEHU. The New England Erotic Hypnosis Unconference. I'm pretty fragging excited. I've basically been on Quest for Lady Ru'etha since the summer, and my goal is within reach. I will be volunteering during the con, and one of the events that's listed on the event spreadsheet is me and @Twink_l_ie's collarings. It's something I've honestly dreamed of and wished for since She caught me outside of the restroom at Dragon Con in 2007. So from April 28th until May 2nd I will be out of town. *squee*

30 Days of Kink, Day 15

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

30 Days of Truth, Day 15

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

30 Days of Truth, Days 12-14

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

30 Days of Kink, Day 14

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

30 Days of Kink, Day 13

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

30 Days of Truth, Days 9-11

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

30 Days of Truth, Days 5-8

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

30 Days of Kink, Day 12

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

30 Days of Truth, Days 1-4

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

30 Days of Truth

Like I posted yesterday, today will start 30 Days of Truth. This post is the list so you don't have to go to Insatiable Desires to find it if you don't want to. Next will be days 1-4.

30 Days of Kink, Day 11

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Simultaneous Lists coming!

Insatiable Desire, the blog I follow where I got 30 Days of Kink, has another list called 30 Days of Truth, where it asks some rather impressive questions about me as a person. I think I'll do that one as well as Kink. I'll post them separately, especially since I want to get Truth caught up to the same place as Kink. I'll be doing this by posting 2-3 entries of Truth in one post till I get caught up.

That begins tomorrow. No spoons for it tonight.

30 Days of Kink, Day 10

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

30 Days of Kink, Day 9

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

30 Days of Kink, Day 8

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.


I had such a good day, I'll post 2.

30 Days of Kink, Days 6 and 7

Note: Day 6's question kind of threw me for a loop, so in addition to helping care for a sick roommate, I spent all day thinking about the question. So, because of that, I'm combining 2 days into one post.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

30 Days of Kink, Day 5 - NSFW-ish

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

30 Days of Kink, Day 4 - NSFW-ish

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

30 Days of Kink, Day 3 - NSFW-ish

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

30 Days of Kink, Day 2 - NSFW-ish

Day 2: List your kinks.

30 Days of Kink, Day 1 - NSFW-ish

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Answer under a cut.

30 Days of Kink List - NSFW-ish

30 Days of Kink

Yay, writing assignments! This meme was starting (at least in the sex blogger world recently) by Insatiable Desire and I found it through Kitten's Toys. Thank you!  This should be an interesting month.

The list is under the cut. Next post will be Day 1.

Quick update and warning

I know, I should be blogging more. I'm still trying to settle in. It's a lot harder than it probably should be, but I'm doing my best.

That being said, starting on April 1st, I'm going to a blog marathon called 30 days of Kink. Each day I will answer a kink-related question that are part of a list.

Here's the list as I've seen it. Kittenstoys' 30 days of kink

If you want me to answer a different question, comment and I'll see what I can do. =^_^=

Obviously, this will be an NSFK set of blog posts. However, I will still try to post about my life from time to time.

Sorry for the delay, folks!

I moved on March 10th and didn't get my computer set up till the 12th, and I've been working on settling in. My roommates are great folks thus far and I'm having fun geeking out in different flavors than I was in Raleigh. (I'm not saying, however, that I didn't enjoy the flavors of geeking out that I had in Raleigh. I'm just enjoying having other flavors now as well.)

Thus far, I've admittedly been a bit remiss in my writing/blogging, partly because I'm in kind of a mental whirlwind, trying to find a schedule that works for me and my roommates, trying to job hunt and socializing with people I've missed for a long time (one of whom is a very energetic 5 year old who simply adores me). This has drained my mental spoons of much in the way of serious stuff. I know I should be doing better, but my spoons are at a very low average right now.

In the 8 whole days that I've been here thus far, I've had very little socialization outside of the house. Again, not to say that I don't love my roommates here. Most of them I consider family and really enjoy our interactions. D gives *AMAZING* snuggles and lets me rest my head on her lap, which feels absolutely wonderful. J and I geek out to all kinds of awesome stuff together, yet we can also respectfully agree to disagree when it happens. (He thinks Season 6 of Buffy was worse than Season 5. His reasons are valid, I just happen to feel differently.) P tends to be in his own little world, and that works for him. T is also in his own world, but (for those of you who have played Dragon Age: Origins) he *SO* reminds me of Sten. He disapproves.

And last but not least is Foxy. She gets a whole name cause she is the 5 year old and I love her nickname. Every day when she comes home from school, the first thing she does after she drops her school stuff off is run downstairs to find me. She is certainly energetic, and since I am *VERY* unaccustomed to dealing with kids, especially that young, she has been very draining. I love it though, especially when I can just give her back to her mommy and daddy. lol.

I've been out of the house a couple times on my own, and a couple times with D, J and P. The two times I was out by myself I went to the Mall of America. HOLY FREAK IT'S HUGE! and it's got a small amusement park right in the middle of it. I've met one or two people who live around-ish, and it's been interesting.

Today was my busiest day yet though. My roommates are big Dr. Who fans, so they made plans to go to a Dr. Who meetup at a local pub. Lunch and showing episodes from the series and whatnot. Also today, there was a demonstration at the local Lush store from some of the folks who actually make the product. (For those of you who don't know, Lush is a smell-good store like Bath and Body Works, except their claim to fame is that they use a more organic set of materials to make their products. Their stuff smells amazing. Check them out!) Foxy is a fan of some of their stuff, so she wanted to go. The group decided to drop me and Foxy off at the mall to go see that, while J and D went to finish up an errand or two before we all went to the pub. Foxy and I had a great time watching them make some of their stuff (sandstone soap and a blueberry-based face masque), and even took a few minutes to go to the Build-A-Bear store across the walkway. No, we didn't get a bear. I don't have a job yet lol. That lasted a little over an hour, and my arms are still tired, 5 hours later. But Foxy was sooooo cute! The employees loved her (as well they should!) and I got to schmooze a little with the folks there. (I put in an application cause I saw they have an opening. *crosses her fingers*)

After that, we went to the pub. It was a nice enough place, and the food there was *REALLY* good. We watched a couple episodes of Dr. Who and geeked out and made fun of the now very dated special effects, and had an all around good time. Now we're all home and I've caught you guys up on the general idea of what's going on. I'm gonna go flop down somewhere and nurse my arms to something not resembling wet noodles. Later! <3

a quick post to let everyone know what's going on

In less than a day I will be in a different state. I fly out of Atlanta on a one way ticket to Minneapolis. I still have some packing to do, so I've been quiet. You guys are in my thoughts, and please keep me in yours.

A second new blog

Yes, I've started a second blog here at Blogger. The new one is a photo blog, text will be kept to a minimum. One of the reasons I did it was to start working on my self esteem, by participating in Wanton Wednesdays - http://wantonwednesday.wordpress.com/

Here's the description from the page, if you don't feel like clicking:

Do you feel like sometimes you want to be a little more than just half naked? A bit more than just slightly suggestive? For the weeks you want to play with the wicked & wanton crowd, feel free to join us on Wednesdays.

My Lady approved the idea and I made my first post a few minutes ago. The link to that is http://wantonkitten.blogspot.com/ Yes, I'm now also a wanton, sleepy kitten. lol. I will try to keep the NSFW pictures there under a cut, so you don't have to see them until you're safe and ready.

A blog post on names, part 1/2

Part of this will be copied from Tumblr, and the rest are my own thoughts.

First, the Tumblr post. It is posted and written intended for trans men, but it speaks to trans women who are discovering and reclaiming themselves.


Most transguys go through the experience of choosing their own male name. This can be a difficult process, as you’re making a decision that will stick with you for the rest of your life. Tread carefully, as your name is often an integral part to shaping the first impression you send to other people. There are three major approaches most guys take in choosing a name: using the name your parents would’ve chosen for you had you been born male, choosing the masculinized version of your original name (i.e. Michael from Michelle), or choosing a unique name you feel best represents you and your identity.

Using the name your parents picked out for you at birth ensures that you’re using a name that is appropriate to your birth year and is a good way to acknowledge your parents during your transition. This is a particularly good choice if your parents are supportive of you as it includes them in your process. This honors your parents original choice and may make them a little more likely to use your chosen name.

The masculinized version of your name also respects the name choice your parents made because it sticks with the overall theme that they envisioned. These are also easier for your family and friends to get used to, as they often sound similar to what they are used to calling you. This also is a good idea if you want to keep your initials, which can be helpful if you have a student email address that utilizes your initials.

Choosing an original name is good for people who want to experience a symbolic break from their previous identity or to represent their rebirth through their transition. It is very popular for people to use gender neutral names like Alex or Dyan. People also often will utilize “fashionable” names that are popular right now (Jayden, Xander, etc) or names with unusual spellings (“Zander”, “Aydan”, etc). The only thing to watch for here is that these names may draw attention to you or mark you as obviously trans. This may or may not be a problem, but keep in mind that some people may not take you seriously if your name seems very trendy or will struggle with using your new name.

We settled on some basic guidelines for choosing a name, regardless of what approach you take:

1. Think about using your name in various situations: applying for a job, placing it after various titles (Dr. Mason Smith, Mr. Tim Adams, etc), using it as an old man or a father, etc, etc

2. Think about what names were popular the year you were born. This may or may not be something that is important to you, but having a name that corresponds with your age may help you fit in (if that’s your goal). Here’s a website that lists popular names for different years and calculates the changing popularity of different names: http://www.ssa.gov/oact/babynames/

3. Keep in mind that you can use whatever nickname you’d like with whatever spelling, but that your legal name is what employers and colleges will see. There have been sociological studies conducted concerning what names communicate to employers, and people with traditional names fare better in terms of call-backs and hiring than people with non-traditional names. It may not be right, but it’s true.

4. If your parents, friends, and/or family are supportive of your transition, it may be nice to include them in this important process. Remember that your parents likely agonized over what to name you, and they may feel a little offended that you are casting off something they put so much thought into. It’s always nice to make supportive friends and family feel included, especially since they may feel a huge lack of control during your transition.


Now that you've waded through that, it's my turn. ^_^

(For those of you who don't know, my legal name is Samuel Shane Vise.)

The topic of my name has been on my mind since 2004, when I first really began my gender journey. Crossing that line from "being male" to "being female" is a big step, with a lot of changes and repercussions to consider. The obvious ones usually are along the lines of "What will (insert person/group here) think?" and show those around you for who they are, whether they can handle change and want to see you happy. But the truly important ones are more internal than that. "Is this really who I am?" "Can I handle the potential loss of loved ones, friends, my job and the safety of the role I've been fulfilling?" With those also come smaller scope, yet no less important things, including your name.

It says a lot about you. One of the first things is that, in theory, it informs the listener of your gender. If someone who looked like, say, Cindy Crawford for example, were to be introduced with the name Michael Cosgrove (the example names I'm using are pulled out of thin air btw), the typical first reaction would be confusion. How you are introduced says other things as well, like nicknames. A person named Candace could smile and ask to be called Candy and then people might expect her to be relatively easygoing, possibly even have some experience in dance or cheerleading. (Yes, I'm in stereotype hell atm. Just relax and enjoy the ride.) Or, conversely, she could firmly correct those who breach that familiarity and insist on being called Candace, which could imply, for good or ill, a no-nonsense attitude, where she gets things done and is rather proper.

It can also inform those around you of your family and origins. An ethnic name like Emmanuel could lead someone to believe they were of Hebrew origins (whether specifically from Israel or not). Angelique could have parents who are French. Then there's the scary urban legends of "creative" parents who have named their children Female (rhyming with tamale), vaGina (like Regina), Shithead or, like in this story, a dad who named his first girl Facebook.

http://techcrunch.com/2011/02/19/facebook-egypt-newborn/

So, the point to all that is that a name is an important choice for someone who is starting a new stage in their lives. So I joined the ranks of those who are planning to change theirs.

My first choice was Stacy, after one of the girls I had a huge crush on when I was younger, but that fell to the wayside to be replaced with Samantha Erynn. (It's only been within the last year or so that I've given a lot of thought to changing my last name.) It's easy, since I could just say earlier on in my transition "Just call me Sam," which then progressed to Sammi. However, again, over the last year or so, it's been beginning to feel like a glove that doesn't fit as well as it used to.


At this point, the post has gone on for a while and I'm going to take a break and go try that crazy idea of sleep, to give my lovely readers a chance to catch up on the latest.

kitten and chat

For some reason I want to discuss how I interact with new people in chat.

I have accounts at various networking sites. Some I'm out as not biologically female, others I leave it ambiguous. Sometimes, I feel off about it. Some people would consider me a liar or a freak from the start, others would simply call me a "trap" as if that is all that needs be said. (For those lucky few who don't know, a "trap" is a slur for transwomen, implying that our entire purpose is to "trap straight men and make them gay")

The sites where I simply present as an average woman, more often than not, are hypnosis type sites. The reason I do is thus: too many people judge me for not being "normal". I've met some people who, immediately upon finding out, decide, with no input from me, what I'm looking for. They assume that I only want to be hypnotized and feminized, as if that's the only thing that a trans woman could ever want. It's as if I have no other interests. Like philosophy, massage, submission for it's own sake. To be told what I want, regardless of what I say or show, is one of my big pet peeves.

I often meditate on some of Hollywood's philosophy, to satisfy my soul. "You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on a certain point of view." To me, I'm stating what, to me, is a simple truth from my view. I will not be bound to a view that limits me innappropriately.

an elaboration and more mental floss, part 2: the Quickening of the Electric Boogaloo

(here's part 2.. duh lol)

I am in an uncommon situation, to be sure.

I walk the line between masculinity and femininity.

I was given a male role as I grew up, though it never felt quite right. I was trained and scared into accepting it as best I could. As I grew, I found it harder and harder to stay in that role. I'm still dancing back and forth across that line, though I do spend more time on the right side for me. Why, you might ask? Too much chaos in my head, not enough money and no insurance. That's where I am. If I end up staying as a woman with a penis? So what? If I go all the way and have the surgery? Good for me, but it shouldn't matter. If someone judges me strictly by what I was born with (not just my genitals.. people judge on body shape, on little things like an adam's apple, a funky voice, body hair) then they are irrelevant and shallower than a) they care to realize and b) I care to deal with.. Plus, the people who really matter won't judge me by that. They will accept and love me. Will they be perfect? No one is incapable of making a mistake.

I want to be romanced. I want to be swept off my feet, wined and dined. Sometimes I even want to be treated like a sex object by someone I'm comfortable with. Grope me, feel me up, catcall at me. Just remember that I'm a woman! Don't let a little flesh dangle in the wrong place turn you away. It's only one small (ok, I've been told it's not that small) part of me, only one facet of a gem.

I'm going to be a blunt bitch here. This is not directed at any one person, so please don't think it is, or try to justify it to me. (Honestly, all that does is make me feel less free to share my feelings.) People tell me they don't want to "rescue me", or they don't understand, or that they are weirded out by little things I do or have. Know what that translates to in my head? "You make me uncomfortable in some little way, so I'm just not going to think of you like that in order to lessen that." Know where that leaves me? Alone, even in a crowd, hurting, wondering what I have to do to be thought of that way. Holding a cold blanket when I go to bed alone, again. And wondering what I have to do to stop feeling the pain, tempted by empty promises and considering killing off the wounded, vulnerable parts of myself.


Whether it's how things are outside of my head and heart is irrelevant. I know intellectually that there are people out there who care for me, who want to love me. But until better things can penetrate the chaos and darkness that has been beaten into me, I remain alone, crying and wondering what I am doing wrong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's note:
Yes, this ended in a much darker place than it started. I'm not going to apologize for expressing myself and what's in my head. Yes, it's dark. Yes, it shows up a lot. No, I will not be shamed into pretending everything is all sunshine and daffodils. My head is not a happy place. I live in it every day. I can either express myself and try to work it out or I can suffer in silence and let it eat away at me until I can't take it anymore. Yes, there are positive things in my life, and I will talk about them from time to time. However, a) this is MY blog, and b) I feel the dry harsh deserts more constantly than the shining oases of happiness. At best, I get to a calm grey zone on a normal basis where I can function and truly laugh. Goddess knows, I appreciate those oases and without them I would be much worse off without them. Please understand that. When I have the resources and less chaos to deal with, I will happily get therapy to work it out. Until then, the darkness is where I am chained.

an elaboration and more mental floss, part 1

I wanted to expand on what I wrote earlier, specifically on the dichotomy between masculine and feminine.

This:
I am feminine:
I am a life-giver;
I am a creator;
I am soft and gentile;
I am a nurturer;
I gather when needed;
I am a woman with a man's body, but I do not let that define me.

I am masculine:
I am a life-taker;
I am a destroyer;
I am hard;
I am a protector;
I hunt when needed;
I have a penis, but i do not let it define me.

(This is Part 1 - gender roles in general.. part 2 is more about me)

First of all, the traits I listed are some that are stereotypically (and some consider arbitrarily) assigned to each gender. None of the traits I listed are negative when taken in context. The best example of the context I'm thinking of them is from an old Role Playing Game system by a company called White Wolf.

In the mythology for their story "Werewolf: The Apocalypse", the highest beings were a triad that were called The Wyld, The Weaver, and the Wyrm. The Wyld was pure, unrestrained creative energy, and places like a jungle or rain forest were places where it's influence shone through the most. Next, there's The Weaver, which is a force of organization and order, and it is best seen in a major city like NYC; roads in a crisscross pattern, blocks and buildings clean and crisp. Last, but certainly no less important, is the Wyrm. It's job is to destroy, in order for there to be more for the Wyld to create from and an end for the next beginning to spring from. They worked in beautiful harmony for aeons, in a symphony of creation, life and death, in order for everything to run smoothly. The game itself is set after the Wyrm has fallen to madness, whether by some random bit of corruption on it's own or if the Weaver tried to order death and threw it out of balance, but that is outside the realm of my post.

Where it relates to my discussion is that we are the perpetuators as well as the recipients of that type of cycle in order for life to continue. We create, we organize things in our minds, we kill them in order to continue living until we ourselves die. Again, it's a beautiful symphony. To demean any one part of it is to demean the whole. To degrade it is to spit upon the very process by which you are sitting here reading my words on your screen. Life is given by nature, whether you believe the hand of the divine is involved or not. We learn about how things are ordered. Plants and animals die in order to sustain us. We grow and learn our place in the circle of life (and no, I will spare you the joke and Elton John lyrics ^_^), until it is our turn to pass, and in turn fertilize plants for other animals to eat. It's when any of them are out of balance that things go wrong. If the Wyld within us goes unchecked, growth is rampant and cancerous, which hurts life as a whole. When the Weaver goes into overdrive, there's stagnation because creativity is bound and ordered, and it dies. If it's the Wyrm that falls to madness, it's pointless, all-consuming entropy and the nothing can survive.

That is why I say it's a beautiful thing when I say that as a masculine being, I hunt, destroy and take life. (Which, technically, *I* don't.. I benefit from others who do it for me.) I do my best to keep myself in balance in order to perpetuate and better my life and the lives of those around me.

Some people try to erase the differences in an attempt to increase equality between the sexes. This is erroneous, it negates some of the most beautiful things about each gender and it diminishes us as a species. I see masculine and feminine traits as a beautiful yin-yang, complimenting and us, both within ourselves and with friends, family and lovers.

I AM!

I've been doing a bit of thinking tonight. The seed was planted as I read "The Spiral Dance" by Starhawk, then I got the urge while I was out walking and the moon touched me as I looked up to Her, and I felt inspired and guided while I was in the shower. So here it is.

I am feminine; I am masculine.
I am Divine; I am mortal.
I am an adult; I am a child.


I am feminine:
I am a life-giver;
I am a creator;
I am soft and gentile;
I am a nurturer;
I gather when needed;
I am a woman with a man's body, but I do not let that define me.

I am masculine:
I am a life-taker;
I am a destroyer;
I am hard;
I am a protector;
I hunt when needed;
I have a penis, but i do not let it define me.

I am Divine:
I am a child of the Gods;
I am made of star-stuff;
I can influence the energy of the cosmos;
I am precious to the infinite;
I am connected to everything.

I am mortal:
I am fallible;
The star-stuff that i am from was dirt before it was me;
I know how minute i am compared to the infinite;
My head may be in the sky, but my feet are on earth;
Even when connected, I am separate and unique.

I am an adult:
I am relatively self-sufficient;
I am responsible for my actions;
I have held full time jobs;
I have lived without the safety net of parents;
I have lots of life experiences;
some of those I pray children never go through.

I am a child:
I need to be held and told everything will be ok;
I sometimes just want to know why without end;
I sometimes want my mommy (whoever she is);
I enjoy simple things like a pretty day or laying down and coloring;
I miss my teddy bear and like snuggling a blanket.


I am human:
I am all of these things and more;
No one thing defines me;
I have many facets to my being yet one being;
I am broken and yet mending;
I am learning more every day;
Until the day I return to that which birthed me.

Things I really want

I want to be looked in the eye, given a rose and told how much I mean to someone.



I want someone to hold me when I go to sleep.

I want someone to hold my hand and squeal with me when good things happen, and to tell me it'll be ok when bad things happen.




... I want the stupid brain-drama to stop.

...The abyss stares back at you.

Getting that mental floss out felt so good last night I think I'm going to do it again. Not as long tonight, cause I started this later, but you get to hear me ramble on some more.

So, last time, you heard a Cliffs' Notes version of the negative aspects of the past 28 years of my life. Tonight, I will discuss where that leaves me mentally. You'll probably hear a few familiar themes, since I referred to them in the previous post. Deal. It's my blog and I'll repeat if I want to. (Yes, btw, I'm feeling a bit better tonight, even if I'm rather sleepy from staying up so late last night. Won't happen tonight. At least, I hope it won't.)

So, without further ado, here's some of the darker things bouncing around my head.

People leave. They are in my life for varying periods, and then they drop out. Almost every person in my life has left, whether leaving in a huff or due to drifting. Even my own parents, people who are typically supposed to be there through thick and thin and love you no matter what, didn't want me in their lives. So what does that say about my chances with every other person on this planet? What's the point of making any sort of connection or commitment, when it will be lost as if written on sand? Despite those questions constantly (and gods, do I mean CONSTANTLY) ringing in my head, I can't help but continue to seek connections, to want to make commitments to people. It's very disconcerting, to see someone who I enjoy being friends with (or explore and see if we can be more) and to feel that desire and the almost feeling of almost inevitable pointlessness of it clashing in my head, fighting like two giant titans of old; the darker side pointing out how people have yet to prove true, the more hopeful outlook demanding that I give people a chance.

- (There is one exception that proves the rule. She has stuck it out with me longer than my parents, even with long periods of me being incommunicado for whatever reason. She has given me hope, to balance the many letdowns.)

People hurt me. Part of the reason for that is I'm already hurting and they are just picking at old sore spots. It could be intentional or not, but it still happens. Some examples of sore spots that come to mind:

1. I have a need that's not being met.

2. I could see someone I care about getting needs met.

3. It could be that someone didn't explicitly invite me to something.

It could be any of a hundred little things, real or imagined, but they still hurt. It's my pain, even when it's just butthurt. Does that mean I expect the world to cater to me? Not at all. But I'm opening myself to this blog in order to try and start healing myself, which means letting people know that yes, there are a lot of times I take things personally and hurt over it, but I try not to show it.

- By the way, with regard to #3: I follow my Lady's idea with regard to envy as opposed to jealousy.

Jealousy is when someone has something you want and you feel they shouldn't have it unless you do.

Envy is the same situation, except that you accept their happiness and seek to fill your desire/need without

letting your lack of things darken your heart.

Where does that leave me? I have some connections and commitments, and I want to keep them and do right by the people in my life. I really do. But there's a loud part of me that says it's not worth it. It sits on top of a heavy fortress, well-protected, that makes it hard to believe that I'm worth it, and that others don't care and will leave. All I can do is try and take the fortress down stone by stone faster than it can be rebuilt. Be patient with me. It wasn't set up in a day, and it will take time to tear it down. The best way you can help? Stay patient when I'm upset at something that might seem silly to you. If we're in physical space, offer me a hug, or just touch me in a way that says you care. That little bastard on top of the fortress of despair and self hate? He's a crafty one. I have no problem offering hugs to people. But he often whispers in my ear that they are simply accepting the hugs in order to be done with me, that they don't really want it.