My brain is not a happy place

Ever have a day where you just feel like nothing's worth it? Where even getting out of bed is the biggest chore and hardship you could imagine? That all you want to do is curl up and sob and hope that you simply disappear, even when you know the tears just won't flow? That's most days to me. Every day, just getting out of bed is a major victory for me. I do what I need to do, because it needs doing, but I am not sure why I do it. I feel broken. The days where the sun is genuinely shining for me are very few and far between. (And not because I work overnights.)

And then there's being emotionally fragile. I have no bloody clue why I am, and wish I knew how to stop. I feel stupid when little things that I know shouldn't hurt do. It means I can't be there for my loved ones in the way I want to. It feels like I'm a selfish little git to feel this way, and I have no bloody idea how not to be, which kills me. I want to be strong and rational and to not need constant pampering and reassurance as if I'm some stupid spoiled shit. Instead I can't help but feel cut at a glance (or lack of one) at the right moment. I feel left out if I'm not explicitly included in things.

The worst part is that I *DO* know better. I know that I'm surrounded by people who love me and want me there. I just don't know how to feel it. And that makes me feel really like a horrible, stupid person.

Another 30 Days - Days 1-4

day 01 - a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
day 02 - the meaning behind your twitter name
day 03 - nicknames you have; why do you have them
day 04 - something you crave for a lot

A Diamond in the Rough

I never claim to be perfect. In fact, even calling myself a diamond in any sense grates on me as about as imperfect a metaphor as I can think of. But lately, I've been thinking about myself and all the different sides of me, and a multi-faceted diamond is the only image that comes to mind. Rough, definitely. I'm not smooth, I'm not suave or subtle. Hell, I don't even think I'm attractive. People, including my Goddess, tell me differently. I'm inclined to admit that there must be something to the idea, and I would not contradict Her without good reason. But this is not about my shortcomings, real or perceived. I'm pondering the facets of the person who I see when I look in the mirror.

30 Days of Kink, Day 30

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

30 Days of Truth, Day 29

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

30 Days of Kink, Day 28

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

30 Days of Truth, Day 27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

30 Days of Truth, Day 26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

30 Days of Truth, Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

30 Days of Kink, Day

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Another brief update on my life.

I just got a new job. I'm working overnight, part time at a local gas station. It's taking a lot out of me physically right now. My body's out of practice standing for long periods again. It's also near a few bars, which is never a good thing for me. Drunks remind me too much of my parents. Then, after the news about the trans woman who got beaten in the Maryland McDonand's, I'm feeling particularly skittish these days.

I'll get used to it eventually, not to mention after a few months settling in, I'll start looking for work again.

Next weekend is NEEHU, when Twinklie and I will receive our full collars from Lady Ru'etha. I'm pretty excited about this. Hopefully there'll be some pics from everything. I'm going to be a hypnotized server at the opening party on Friday night, then Saturday night is the Collaring Ceremony.

The other thing on my mind is that there's not much in the way of sexy times around me usually, and I'm feeling it again. It's not anyone's fault, it's just how things are. The usual things that people say run through my head:

My happiness shouldn't depend on having someone.

I should love myself first.

Stop looking for someone and I'll find someone.

Good advice. Too bad I feel like they are unreachable goals. I crave being touched on a physical level, and emotionally I need to be held and told I'm loved. I need little things, like flowers or private time. Telling me to stop looking for a romantic relationship is like telling a sunflower to stop pointing at the sun. I also keep hearing**/reading the rants against the "nice guys" who are really just passive aggressive pussies who expect rewards for not being assholes, and end up acting like assholes when they don't get either the girl or a reward. I totally get that not everyone is going to see me as a sexual ideal. Hell, *I* don't see me as any kind of sexual ideal or real fantasy. Nor do I hold anything against those who don't see me in a romantic light. Where my issue lies is that it quite often feels like no one sees me in a sexual/romantic light. There are people who say they do, and I do my best to believe them, but things just aren't set for them to act on those feelings. My feelings tend to be more prevalent and real to me than stuff I know intellectually. Some days, I do feel like Neo, waiting to wake up from a dream to the real world. And what I tend to feel is that I'm the little orphan kid, looking into a window on Christmas morning, watching the family in the warmth inside, enjoying each other and delicious food.

-------This is *NOT* directed at anyone. This is strictly what's going on in my head and heart.-------

(** Hearing in the sense of hearing it in my head **)

My head is a pretty screwed up place. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I *SO* can't wait to get some therapy and maybe some meds to help me balance out the almost constant mental shitstorm I live in.

30 Days of Truth, Days 23 and 24

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

30 Days of Truth, Day 22

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

30 Days of Kink, Day 19

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

30 Days of Truth, Day 19

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

30 Days of Truth - Days 16 and 17

Yesterday I was pretty occupied with stuff, so I didn't get to blog, so here's 2 posts crammed into one again. lol.

 

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Holy monkeys, a new, non-meme type post!

It's true.. I have not turned into a meme-answering automaton. I've just been kind of mentally scattered. Here's the latest in what's going on with me:

I finally got a job! I'll be working at a gas station that's part of the SuperAmerica chain. It's not amazing, and I'll be next to a bar or two, so I'll be dealing with drunk folks, cause at least 3 days of my schedule are guaranteed overnights. Anyone who wants to buy me an extendable police baton that i can hide on my person will be appreciated deeply.

I've been doing some studying into various flavors of earth-based religions, and tonight i'm going to a class on witchcraft that's being put on by one of the local covens.

Of the folks who've actually contacted me back on OK Cupid, i've actually talked with 4, texted back and forth with 3, made plans to meet 2 and met 1. Her, I got to meet once, then, theoretically, life hit her hard. I'm a little sceptical and paranoid, but that's just me. The one who I made plans to meet with yesterday seriously flaked on me twice. I had my first interview with the gas station in the morning, then she and I had made plans to meet up for lunch and to hang out. Admittedly, I got there 10 minutes late, but there was never a call, never a text from her asking where I was. Then, 10 minutes after I got there, I called and texted her. No answer. I go ahead and have my own lunch. I leave an hour and a half after she and I were supposed to meet and go home. An hour after that, she texts, tells me she had an interview for a new job, and tells me she's nervous about meeting me. Ok, I get that those two things wreak a little hell on someone's focus.

So, I suggest we try just hanging out in the Starbucks in the mall. She says she's still really nervous, but she'll try to make herself go. About 30ish minutes after I have settled in to start reading (so that if she were to show up she could check me out before I saw her), I get a text from her saying that she's too nervous, and maybe we can try again next week.

You know, I totally get being nervous about meeting new people. But you know what? Standing them up twice in the same day is fucking rude. That really pissed me off. I could have been in the quiet, warm(-ish) house, writing my blogs and talking with people who don't stand me up. She's already on strike 2. If she and I have coinciding days off next week, we'll see what happens. If she stands me up again, she's out. I may crave affection and attention, but I'm not a doormat.


Lastly, NEEHU. The New England Erotic Hypnosis Unconference. I'm pretty fragging excited. I've basically been on Quest for Lady Ru'etha since the summer, and my goal is within reach. I will be volunteering during the con, and one of the events that's listed on the event spreadsheet is me and @Twink_l_ie's collarings. It's something I've honestly dreamed of and wished for since She caught me outside of the restroom at Dragon Con in 2007. So from April 28th until May 2nd I will be out of town. *squee*

30 Days of Truth, Day 15

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

30 Days of Truth, Days 12-14

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

30 Days of Truth, Days 9-11

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.