Ever have a day where you just feel like nothing's worth it? Where even getting out of bed is the biggest chore and hardship you could imagine? That all you want to do is curl up and sob and hope that you simply disappear, even when you know the tears just won't flow? That's most days to me. Every day, just getting out of bed is a major victory for me. I do what I need to do, because it needs doing, but I am not sure why I do it. I feel broken. The days where the sun is genuinely shining for me are very few and far between. (And not because I work overnights.)
And then there's being emotionally fragile. I have no bloody clue why I am, and wish I knew how to stop. I feel stupid when little things that I know shouldn't hurt do. It means I can't be there for my loved ones in the way I want to. It feels like I'm a selfish little git to feel this way, and I have no bloody idea how not to be, which kills me. I want to be strong and rational and to not need constant pampering and reassurance as if I'm some stupid spoiled shit. Instead I can't help but feel cut at a glance (or lack of one) at the right moment. I feel left out if I'm not explicitly included in things.
The worst part is that I *DO* know better. I know that I'm surrounded by people who love me and want me there. I just don't know how to feel it. And that makes me feel really like a horrible, stupid person.
15 years ago
