My brain is not a happy place

Ever have a day where you just feel like nothing's worth it? Where even getting out of bed is the biggest chore and hardship you could imagine? That all you want to do is curl up and sob and hope that you simply disappear, even when you know the tears just won't flow? That's most days to me. Every day, just getting out of bed is a major victory for me. I do what I need to do, because it needs doing, but I am not sure why I do it. I feel broken. The days where the sun is genuinely shining for me are very few and far between. (And not because I work overnights.)

And then there's being emotionally fragile. I have no bloody clue why I am, and wish I knew how to stop. I feel stupid when little things that I know shouldn't hurt do. It means I can't be there for my loved ones in the way I want to. It feels like I'm a selfish little git to feel this way, and I have no bloody idea how not to be, which kills me. I want to be strong and rational and to not need constant pampering and reassurance as if I'm some stupid spoiled shit. Instead I can't help but feel cut at a glance (or lack of one) at the right moment. I feel left out if I'm not explicitly included in things.

The worst part is that I *DO* know better. I know that I'm surrounded by people who love me and want me there. I just don't know how to feel it. And that makes me feel really like a horrible, stupid person.

Holy monkeys, a new, non-meme type post!

It's true.. I have not turned into a meme-answering automaton. I've just been kind of mentally scattered. Here's the latest in what's going on with me:

I finally got a job! I'll be working at a gas station that's part of the SuperAmerica chain. It's not amazing, and I'll be next to a bar or two, so I'll be dealing with drunk folks, cause at least 3 days of my schedule are guaranteed overnights. Anyone who wants to buy me an extendable police baton that i can hide on my person will be appreciated deeply.

I've been doing some studying into various flavors of earth-based religions, and tonight i'm going to a class on witchcraft that's being put on by one of the local covens.

Of the folks who've actually contacted me back on OK Cupid, i've actually talked with 4, texted back and forth with 3, made plans to meet 2 and met 1. Her, I got to meet once, then, theoretically, life hit her hard. I'm a little sceptical and paranoid, but that's just me. The one who I made plans to meet with yesterday seriously flaked on me twice. I had my first interview with the gas station in the morning, then she and I had made plans to meet up for lunch and to hang out. Admittedly, I got there 10 minutes late, but there was never a call, never a text from her asking where I was. Then, 10 minutes after I got there, I called and texted her. No answer. I go ahead and have my own lunch. I leave an hour and a half after she and I were supposed to meet and go home. An hour after that, she texts, tells me she had an interview for a new job, and tells me she's nervous about meeting me. Ok, I get that those two things wreak a little hell on someone's focus.

So, I suggest we try just hanging out in the Starbucks in the mall. She says she's still really nervous, but she'll try to make herself go. About 30ish minutes after I have settled in to start reading (so that if she were to show up she could check me out before I saw her), I get a text from her saying that she's too nervous, and maybe we can try again next week.

You know, I totally get being nervous about meeting new people. But you know what? Standing them up twice in the same day is fucking rude. That really pissed me off. I could have been in the quiet, warm(-ish) house, writing my blogs and talking with people who don't stand me up. She's already on strike 2. If she and I have coinciding days off next week, we'll see what happens. If she stands me up again, she's out. I may crave affection and attention, but I'm not a doormat.


Lastly, NEEHU. The New England Erotic Hypnosis Unconference. I'm pretty fragging excited. I've basically been on Quest for Lady Ru'etha since the summer, and my goal is within reach. I will be volunteering during the con, and one of the events that's listed on the event spreadsheet is me and @Twink_l_ie's collarings. It's something I've honestly dreamed of and wished for since She caught me outside of the restroom at Dragon Con in 2007. So from April 28th until May 2nd I will be out of town. *squee*