So, last time, you heard a Cliffs' Notes version of the negative aspects of the past 28 years of my life. Tonight, I will discuss where that leaves me mentally. You'll probably hear a few familiar themes, since I referred to them in the previous post. Deal. It's my blog and I'll repeat if I want to. (Yes, btw, I'm feeling a bit better tonight, even if I'm rather sleepy from staying up so late last night. Won't happen tonight. At least, I hope it won't.)
So, without further ado, here's some of the darker things bouncing around my head.
People leave. They are in my life for varying periods, and then they drop out. Almost every person in my life has left, whether leaving in a huff or due to drifting. Even my own parents, people who are typically supposed to be there through thick and thin and love you no matter what, didn't want me in their lives. So what does that say about my chances with every other person on this planet? What's the point of making any sort of connection or commitment, when it will be lost as if written on sand? Despite those questions constantly (and gods, do I mean CONSTANTLY) ringing in my head, I can't help but continue to seek connections, to want to make commitments to people. It's very disconcerting, to see someone who I enjoy being friends with (or explore and see if we can be more) and to feel that desire and the almost feeling of almost inevitable pointlessness of it clashing in my head, fighting like two giant titans of old; the darker side pointing out how people have yet to prove true, the more hopeful outlook demanding that I give people a chance.
- (There is one exception that proves the rule. She has stuck it out with me longer than my parents, even with long periods of me being incommunicado for whatever reason. She has given me hope, to balance the many letdowns.)
People hurt me. Part of the reason for that is I'm already hurting and they are just picking at old sore spots. It could be intentional or not, but it still happens. Some examples of sore spots that come to mind:
1. I have a need that's not being met.
2. I could see someone I care about getting needs met.
3. It could be that someone didn't explicitly invite me to something.
It could be any of a hundred little things, real or imagined, but they still hurt. It's my pain, even when it's just butthurt. Does that mean I expect the world to cater to me? Not at all. But I'm opening myself to this blog in order to try and start healing myself, which means letting people know that yes, there are a lot of times I take things personally and hurt over it, but I try not to show it.
- By the way, with regard to #3: I follow my Lady's idea with regard to envy as opposed to jealousy.
Jealousy is when someone has something you want and you feel they shouldn't have it unless you do.
Envy is the same situation, except that you accept their happiness and seek to fill your desire/need without
letting your lack of things darken your heart.
Where does that leave me? I have some connections and commitments, and I want to keep them and do right by the people in my life. I really do. But there's a loud part of me that says it's not worth it. It sits on top of a heavy fortress, well-protected, that makes it hard to believe that I'm worth it, and that others don't care and will leave. All I can do is try and take the fortress down stone by stone faster than it can be rebuilt. Be patient with me. It wasn't set up in a day, and it will take time to tear it down. The best way you can help? Stay patient when I'm upset at something that might seem silly to you. If we're in physical space, offer me a hug, or just touch me in a way that says you care. That little bastard on top of the fortress of despair and self hate? He's a crafty one. I have no problem offering hugs to people. But he often whispers in my ear that they are simply accepting the hugs in order to be done with me, that they don't really want it.
No comments:
Post a Comment