1. I don't know for sure if it's depression, but I do know that, if I'm 100% honest, I really don't like myself. I tend to assume people don't want me around, that I'm not attractive to people, that every negative thing said about me is correct until proven otherwise. I see no reason why people want to see me, so when they don't push me away I feel like a little puppy. Conversely, if I don't hear from people for a long time, I tend to just assume they've had their fill of me and I cut my losses. It's why I don't really fight to keep people in my life. I figure they probably didn't want to be there anyway. Which leads to:
2. People leave. This has been one of the constants in my life. I was given up for adoption as a baby. I've had a string of ex-girlfriends across about 4 states now (9, not counting the ones that held that title for less than a month) some of whom explicitly promised that no matter what happens, they'd never leave. My adoptive parents, the couple who *CHOSE* me and raised me almost from birth, kicked me out of their lives 6 and a half years ago, because of stupid things. Which leads to:
3. People do hurtful things. I know this one is a giant duh. It's also another constant in my life. (This one is going to be long, so you might want to take a moment and breathe before starting... Done? ok!)
3.a. I always felt like a second class kid with my parents. My sisters got to go out and see friends whenever they wanted, cuss, smoke if they chose to, drive when they were ready. (hell, my parents bought the youngest one a *MUSTANG*) It was hinted that *THEIR* preference was that I go work offshore like my dad does/did. They flat out refused to help me for college (though my mom had no problem blowing through dad's money on fancy new cars with all leather interior, leather furniture and gorgeous landscaping), so when it was time for me to go, I fought and got financial aid for everything and lived on campus, even though it was maybe a 20 minute drive from their house. Getting the financial aid was a fight, since until you reach 24, federal standards require a copy of your parents' tax information. During this, through some bizarre freak trip through the Twilight Zone, I get arrested and charged with a crime. (No details on that. it's not relevant, nor is it something i want to dwell on.) My parents, for some odd reason, decided that I was guilty, despite *THEM* raising me better and anyone who knows me knows I'm not that STUPID. My lawyer, a family member called in from New Orleans, does a half ass job of defending me, but I'm still in such shell shock over everything that I just can't bring myself to do much, not to mention that he keeps dangling "if you want to risk going to jail, I'll fight this for you, otherwise just take the plea bargain" in my face. After that, my parents decided that was "the final straw," sat me down and proceeded to tear me apart, doing everything in their power to break me emotionally for about 2 hours, then telling me to "get a job, get an apartment, and get out of our lives," and that I had until noon the next day to get my stuff out of the house. Needless to say I never really looked back. I've been contacted a few times, because supposedly my mom is sick and may not make it through the year. A small part of me wants to call, hoping she will say "we made a mistake. we love you and we're sorry." The rest of me more expects her to tell me she's sorry she ever chose me, that I'm going to hell and I'll never amount to anything. Frankly, I am tired of sticking my hand into that hornets' nest.
3.b. There's a loooong list of people who have hurt the hell out of me, whether intentionally or not. Peers in school for almost 12 years made me feel like I was worth nothing but scorn and contempt. For my first few years, I did walk to my parents' car almost EVERY DAY in tears, with one person in my class doing the best she could to help me. Most teachers couldn't be bothered, and the ones that did care couldn't really do anything. Some went out of their way to find me and harass me (one even GOT EXPELLED from our private grade school THREE TIMES), while others simply shunned me when I came around. High school was slightly better. College was better because I was surrounded by a new group of people, since the ones who knew me were all scattered across the south.
(this one is another long one.. sorry)
3.c. The romance department hasn't been kind to me overall either. I didn't date in high school, for reasons both obvious and ones I haven't mentioned because I don't want you, gentle reader, to have to deal with a head that has exploded. After that, from 1999 to 2002, I was in seclusion for personal reasons related to the previously unspoken reasons. From 2002 to 2011, as I mentioned at the beginning of the post, I count 9 ex girlfriends. (There's more who lasted a few days up to 3ish weeks, but those don't count because a month is my arbitrary line for keeping serious mental records after they've left my life.) For about 3 of those, I made mistakes and that ended things. I own that. I screwed up. But for the most part, I seemed to be under some kind of planetary alignment or curse or something. Things would be going swimmingly for about 3 months. Then, about that time, CRASH! BOOM! SCREECH! It ends rather abruptly. Some of them were doozies, however.
One I helped get a job, and happily drove her to and from work. I convinced my roommates to let live with us. She was vivacious and grabbed life by the horns. She was hot in bed. Then, out of nowhere, she decides to leave, tells me one thing, and each of my roommates something else, then flat out disappears for OVER A MONTH with no word or anything. Oh, and she stole some of my favorite clothes that i haven't been able to replace since. Another met me during a rough time. She lived in Virginia and I was in Florida, and, as Forrest Gump said, we were like peas and carrots. I even paid more than I really should have to get my tax money early that year to visit her for her birthday. She met me at the airport with a gorgeous plush rose and almost made me cry right there. Her family loved me. However, we had similar issues with our folks, so we were talking about moving in together to help her get out from under her parents. I mailed a box of things that were very important to me up to her, and about 2 weeks later, she vanishes off the face of the planet. She doesn't answer her phone or emails I sent asking if she's ok and what's going on. Her best friend is the one who tells me, after I had figured it out.
All of that combines to make a really *FUN* storm in my head. I'll post more tomorrow night after I've pondered on this some and gotten some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
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